If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
