If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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