Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How does it feel to date your dad?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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