shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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