just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
