i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
