My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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