where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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