She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
