If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
