It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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