So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
