The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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