I will die if light touches me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
