I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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