I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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