Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
