You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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