i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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