Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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