Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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