You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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