I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
please come you make the beer taste better
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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