PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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