It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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