good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
