i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
