Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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