My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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