You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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