you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
