Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
