Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He passed out mid-signature
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
