The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
