I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize