I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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