The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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