Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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