please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize