actually, I'm a sock model
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Randomize
