Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
