I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
