two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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