How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
