So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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