the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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