She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
