As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
