just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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