she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
