No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
