Cold hands, warm shart.
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
...so i touched it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize