I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
