is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize