I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize