i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
