I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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