Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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