Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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