Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
