the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
