So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
