found the other keg... it's in the tree
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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