Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
