I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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